TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed with the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally from area. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let's have An additional place wherever American Adult males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. Trump Tower Damascus The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he need to cease making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the challenge, replied, "You know, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from House, a attribute being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following obtaining the constructing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It can be not only unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Options


Probably the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting consideration from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort in which my PTSD may have change-down support."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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